A Complete Waste of Time
by Sparkling Cyanide
Summary: It's a Monty PythonInuyasha crossover. What did you expect? Part Four: Inuyasha gets revenge. Part Five: Miroku gets what he deserves. Chapter 6 is NEW!
1. Part I: Miroku in the Castle Anthrax

Disclaimer:

  
Characters and concepts created by Rumiko Takahashi. The situations parodied were created by the Monty Python Partnership. Used here without permission but with good intentions. 

Part I: Miroku in the Castle Anthrax 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

"I seek the shards!" Miroku proclaimed. "I have seen them here in this castle!" 

"Oh no!" the woman cried. "Oh, my bad, bad sister Zoot!" 

"What's the matter?" 

"Oh, bad, wicked, evil Zoot!" she responded as a way of explanation. "She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I've just remembered is shard-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. A man in baboon skin was here only yesterday." 

"It's not the real Shikon no Tama?" Miroku was disbelieving. 

"No. Oh naughty, evil Zoot! She is a very bad person and must be made to pay the penalty! And here at Castle Anthrax we have but one punishment for setting alight the shard-shaped beacon: she must bear your child!" 

"Oooooooooooooooooh" the other girls chorused. 

"She must bear your child," the woman continued. "And when the two of you are done, I will bear your child too!" 

"And me. And me!" the women were becoming more and more excited. 

"Yes, we'll all bear you child!" 

Miroku couldn't believe his luck. 

"Miroku!" A harsh voice interrupted his current perverted train of thought as Inuyasha came rudely crashing through the door. 

"What the hell are you doing hanging around a dump like this? Don't you know we have a job to finish…" his irritated rant trailed off as he took a closer look at the situation. 

"Oh," one girl said. "I want to bear HIS child!" 

"I want to bear his child too!" said another. 

"I just want to touch his ears!" said a third. "They're so cute!" 

Inuyasha was now backed into a corner. He was surrounded by ten infatuated women who were stroking his hair and fighting to get close enough to touch his ears. The expression on his face was that of a trapped wild animal. 

"What's the matter with your friend?" Zoot's sister questioned Miroku while seductively holding his arm. "Does he not feel comfortable in our presence?" 

"Well," Miroku considered. "His parents died when he was very young. I guess no one ever explained the facts of life to him. This must come as a bit of a shock." 

"Doesn't know the facts of life…" she appeared thoughtful. "Perhaps this will help." 

She took Miroku's arm in one hand and rescued Inuyasha from the seething fray of females with the other. Before either of the startled and somewhat outnumbered males could question, she pushed the two of them through the nearest doorway… 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: What sort of warped and convoluted adventures will Miroku and Inuyasha have next? Keep in mind, this IS the Castle Anthrax. Stay tuned… 


	2. Part II: Inuyasha and the Meaning of Lif...

A/N: A word of warning. This chapter contains mild sexual themes. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of sex ed, you may skip this chapter. The rest of the story will still make sense. 

Part II: Inuyasha and the Meaning of Life 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Inuyasha and Miroku stumbled through the doorway, which then faded away and disappeared into the wall. They found themselves standing in a long hallway. It was modern and professional—people obviously came here to work—and it had many rooms opening off it. Closer inspection revealed that these rooms were filled with many humans wearing nearly identical clothes sitting in desks and listening to one human at the front of the room speak. It seemed suspiciously like that "school" thing that Kagome always complained about. 

"Where the hell are we?" Inuyasha asked as he looked around. 

"Well," Miroku considered. "The beautiful woman who has agreed to bear my child said she was going to talk to you about the facts of life. I wonder if this is it." 

"Feh!" was all Inuyasha could say as he blushed a little at his own naivety. 

"You must be the new students." A man called out to them from one of the classrooms. "Come in and join our class." 

Not seeing any harm in doing so, Miroku and Inuyasha accepted the invitation and found seats in two empty desks at the front of the room. 

None of the other students seemed disturbed by the fact that a demon and Buddhist priest, who between them were armed with sword, staff, claws and air void, had just joined the class. 

The teacher concluded his opening announcements and presented the day's topic of discussion. 

"Ah…" he sighed. "Sex, sex, sex… Who here can tell me the purpose of foreplay?" 

As the teacher continued describing in explicit detail why exactly foreplay was necessary to the sexual experience, the class appeared bored and Inuyasha seemed extremely nervous. Miroku it seemed was the only one who truly appreciated the discussion. 

"Who here can tell me one way of initiating foreplay?" 

Miroku was the first to have his hand in the air. 

"You could rub the clitoris." He answered. 

The instructor looked somewhat shocked. 

"Are there any other ways?" He asked again. "How about you there in the red?" 

Huh? Inuyasha looked over his shoulder thinking perhaps that the man meant someone else. Since he was the only one in the room even wearing red, he had to answer. 

"Un…You could kiss her." He replied nervously. 

"That's right. Why not start it all off with a nice modest kiss?" the teacher specifically directed this comment toward Miroku. "You could nuzzle the neck, nibble the ear, fondle a little. There are plenty of things to do before you get around to the clitoris!" 

"I knew fondling would come in handy." Miroku muttered to himself as he carefully wrote these suggestions down in a notebook. 

Inuyasha on the other hand wasn't faring as well. His face was nearly the same colour as his clothing. He was slouched down in his chair looking like he wanted to vanish from the spot. He attempted to hide his face behind a textbook but this did nothing to improve his situation. The book as it so happened detailed the wonders of the female anatomy and exactly how it all worked in conjunction with the male anatomy. 

The class was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

"That must be my assistant for the demonstration." The instructor explained. 

Demonstration?! Inuyasha sweat dropped nervously in true anime tradition. He wondered what exactly was going to be demonstrated. 

As the teacher began to open the door, Miroku asked, "Sir, do we get extra credit if we can apply this knowledge to our daily lives?" 

The door swung slowly open. Kagome and Sango were standing there wondering what the hell was going on. 

"Ah" the instructor sighed. "It seems have TWO assistants for today's demonstration." 

"Wait!" Inuyasha yelled as he and Miroku stood up. "They're not assistants! They're… Well… they're…" He paused not quite knowing what to say. How could his explain this exactly? It was kinda complicated. 

"Oh, I see. Then they'll assist the two of you?" the teacher appeared accepting of that alternative. "You could show us all how much you know." 

"No!" Inuyasha blushed and began to stammer. "It's not what you think! It's… un… well…" 

"Oh I get it!" Kagome was quick to pick up on what was going on. "I'm not good enough for you! Is that it?!" She was quickly becoming angry. 

"No!" Inuyasha protested, getting angry himself. "I never said that! Why do you always assume that I—" 

He was cut off. 

"I don't mean anything to you, do I?!" she continued on. "You're still in love with whats-her-name… Kikyo! I'm nothing but her reincarnation. Her replacement! A SHIKON NO TAMA DETECTOR!!!" 

The situation steadily degenerated into a typical Inuyasha-Kagome argument complete with swearing and name-calling, all ending with Inuyasha getting "sat" of course. 

Miroku, meanwhile, took advantage of the situation to slid over next to Sango and place his hand on her bottom. 

"So Sango," he whispered in her ear. "Why don't the two of us show them what it's all about? We could—" 

He never finished the sentence. Sango had knocked him unconscious. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Ah, the sex ed class from hell. If you don't recognize this, it's based on the "Growth and Learning" scenes from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. 


	3. Part III: Sesshoumaru's Flying Circus

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Rebel-withoutaclue. Thanks for the support Rebel! 

Definition: In case you may not know, Spam is a brand of canned ham. It's a cheap luncheon meat. It's not the same spam as the internet lingo. Just wanted to clear that up. 

_And now for something completely different…_

Part III: It's…Sesshoumaru's Flying Circus 

(Spam, spam, spam) 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

It was a busy day at the café and a strange trio occupied a table. One of their number was a tall man with long silver hair, gold eyes and red and blue facial markings. He was dressed in demonic armor and has a fluffy white tail wrapped around his right shoulder. With this cold intimidating man was a cute little ten year old girl and an ugly green bug-eyed creature holding a grotesque staff. As out of place as this group may have seemed, no one spared them a second glance. The table of singing Vikings had already occasioned enough comment. 

A waitress approached their table and presented the menu. 

"There's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, sausage, and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam." 

Sesshoumaru, nauseated by the rather spamy menu asked, "Is there anything without spam?" 

"Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam." the waitress replied after a moment's consideration, completely ignoring the first two items on the menu. "There's not much spam in that." 

"But I don't want ANY spam!" Sesshoumaru clarified. 

"Why don't you have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?" Rin asked. 

"There's spam in that too!" Sesshoumaru was getting annoyed. 

"It hasn't got as much spam in it as spam, egg, sausage and spam now has it?" Rin added. 

Sesshoumaru turned back to the waitress. "Just make me egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam." 

"Ewwwwwwwww!" she looked disgusted at the idea of no spam. 

"What do you mean 'Eww'?" Sesshoumaru was now truly angry that a pathetic human mortal had questioned him. "I don't like spam!" 

"Look," the waitress continued on, oblivious to the demonic red flash in his eyes, "you can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam." 

"I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" Sesshoumaru's cold voice was laced with anger. Things were about to get messy. 

"Now, now, Sesshoumaru-sama. Don't make a fuss." Rin cut in. "Jaken can eat your spam!" She addressed the waitress. "Make him egg, bacon, spam and sausage and I'll have the spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam." 

Thanks to Rin's intervention the orders were settled in seconds and the irritating waitress left to get the food. Meanwhile Jaken loudly protested that it was unfair that an insolent human girl was allowed to speak for his lordship while he, Jaken, Sesshoumaru-sama's loyal servant, was not even allowed to order lunch. Sesshoumaru and Rin, used to such ranting, ignored him. 

The food arrived. Sesshoumaru enjoyed the egg, bacon and sausage. Rin enjoyed the beans. They both enjoyed force-feeding the remaining spam to Jaken. 

Ah………….wonderful spam……………… 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: You didn't think I let Fluffy eat spam now did you? Hehehe 

Next installment includes everyone's favourite Knights! 


	4. Part IV: Kagome and the Knights who say ...

Part IV: Kagome and the Knights who say Osuwari 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Miroku and Inuyasha, having been rescued from the evil spell of the Castle Anthrax, attempted to continue the quest. Miroku, after trying to impregnate the castle's eager inhabitants, was beaten to a bloody pulp by Sango. Inuyasha on the other hand had nearly died of embarrassment as a result of that "enlightening" educational experience. 

Inuyasha, now recovered, continued on with only Kagome for company. Miroku did not join them because he was unconscious. Sango also remained behind so she could pound Miroku (again) should he ever awaken. Shippo stayed in the hope that his presence could prevent any unnecessary casualties. 

As easy as the journey began, it wasn't long until Inuyasha and Kagome encountered a new and unusual problem. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Who the hell are you?" Inuyasha began with his customary charm. 

"We are," the leader of these strange beings replied, "the Knights who say… Osuwari." 

Thump. 

"Shit!" Inuyasha spit out a mouthful of rocks. "Not the Knights who say Osuwari." 

"Who are they?" Kagome was curious. 

The leader answered her. "We are the keepers of the sacred word Osuwari!" 

Thump. 

"Those who encounter us rarely live to tell the tale!" another Knight added dramatically. 

"I can see why you bastards!" Inuyasha's grating voice floated up from his position on the ground. 

"Knights of Osuwari," Kagome was interrupted by another thump but continued on with the attitude of one who is completely unaffected by the Knights' magic. "We are simple travelers who seek the Shikon shards beyond these woods." 

"The Knights who say Osuwari—Thump—demand a sacrifice and we shall say Osuwari—Thump—again to you if you do not appease us." 

"You've said it enough already dammit!" 

"What do you want?" Kagome knew that they could not continue the quest if her companion was continually slammed into a crater. 

"We want," the leader paused dramatically, "a shrubbery." 

"What the fuck!" 

"Osuwari!" this time it was Kagome who had spoken. "It serves you right Inuyasha," She answered his growls. "You should watch you foul mouth." 

"You must return here with a shrubbery," the leader elaborated. "Otherwise you may not pass." 

"O Knights of Osuwari—Thump—you are just and fair." Kagome said. 

"That's easy for you to say wench!" 

"We will return with your shrubbery." She finished and began to pull Inuyasha out of his crater. 

"Make sure it looks nice and isn't too expensive." The leader specified. 

"Of course." Kagome always considered herself a person of taste. 

"Don't push it, baka!" Inuayasha muttered under his breath not wanting to be 'sat' again. 

The two set off in search of a shrubbery. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After a long day of searching for shrubs when they could have been searching for shards, Inuyasha, now sick of being tortured with the "O-word", approached the leader of the knights. 

"Here's your damn shrub. Can we go now?" His question was more of a demand. 

The leader of the Knights who say Osuwari looked at him levelly and replied, "It is a very fine shrubbery, but there is a problem." 

"What's the fucking problem now!" It was clear that Inuyasha had tolerated enough abuse for one day. 

The leader continued, "We are no longer the Knights who say Osuwari." 

A thump accompanied by assorted profanity was Inuyasha's only reaction. 

"We are now," the knight went on to add, "the Knights who say Ni." 

Another earth-shattering thump greeted this statement but strangely enough it was not Inuyasha. 

Inuyasha looked down in surprise and saw a rather bruised Kagome lying in a crater. An evil smile slowly spread across his face. 

Kagome picked herself up, dusted herself off and asked with what remained of her dignity, "What must we do now Knights who say N— I mean," she quickly caught herself, "Knights who recently said Osuwari?" 

Thump. 

Inuyasha decided that he had kissed the ground for the last time as he now realized the full potential of the situation. 

"Kagome," he began in a voice filled with evil innocence, "What do you mean 'Knights who recently said Osuwari'? These are the Knights of Ni." 

Thump. 

"That is correct, strange demonic being." The leader replied, "We are the Knights who say Ni." 

Thump. 

"Ni, Ni, Ni," the other knights gleefully chorused seemingly ignorant of the girl's plight. 

Thump, thump, thump. 

For the first time in Kagome's memory Inuyasha laughed. Instead of being glad at this unheard of occurrence, however, she was furious. 

"How dare you!" she screamed, her eyes flashing dangerously as he reveled in his newfound power. 

"Osu—" she began. 

"Ni," he cut her off. 

A large thump followed by a few rather explicit remarks on Kagome's part was all that was heard. 

"Osu—" "Ni." Thump. 

"Ni." Thump. 

"ni!" 

"Ni!" 

"NI!" 

thump 

Thump 

THUMP 

And so after instigating this strange war of words the Knight who recently said Osuwari, now the Knights who say Ni, left to await the coming of King Arthur who hopefully had better taste in shrubbery. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Isn't this how you imagined Inuyasha's revenge? hehehe 


	5. Part V: Bring out your Dead

Part V: Bring out your Dead

Sango and Shippo were sitting in the backroom of a small hut where they would be staying for a few days. While Inuyasha and Kagome were out "questing" they had been left to care for the monk who was currently lying unconscious in a corner, many bruises and slap marks semi-permanently imprinted on his face. 

"Pervert." Sango grumbled, still furious about their previous little "adventure". "The nerve…" 

The otherwise quiet day in the village was broken by morbid cries of "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!" This was odd because there was no plague in the area and so no reason to be shouting this. Whenever anyone tried to question the man responsible though, he replied that he was "practicing". Just in case, you know. 

The unnecessary cries drifted though the streets grating on Sango's already frazzled nerves. As her eyes fell on the unconscious monk in the corner, an idea occurred to her that would shut the man in the street up AND get rid of a certain pest. 

"Bring out your dead!" the man with the cart approached them. "Bring out your – " 

"I've got a dead!" Sango cut him off quickly, gesturing to Miroku in the corner. 

"Who me?" Miroku had woken up in time to catch the latest vein of conversation. "I'm not dead yet!" 

"Yes you are." Sango hissed at him, giving him an evil glare. 

"He says he's not dead!" The man pointed out, not wanting to be fooled. 

"Well… he will be in a minute." Sango amended. "He's very ill." 

"Hey! I'm getting better." Miroku looked positively insulted. 

"I can't take him like that. It's against the rules." The man apologized. 

"Please. Just this once." Sango really wanted to teach Miroku a lesson about keeping one's hands to one's self. 

"Sorry." 

Miroku meanwhile was cheerfully singing, "I feel happy! I feel happy!" under his breath, glad to have foiled whatever plot at vengeance it was that Sango had coming for him. Thus he didn't see Hiraikotsu as it connected with an already bruised spot on the back of his skull. 

"That better?" Sango asked as she dusted off her hands. 

"Yes. Much." The man grabbed Miroku and quickly put him on the cart. "See ya." He waved and was off. 

Sango turned to see Shippo eying her critically. 

"What?" she asked defensively. 

"And you accuse ME of being a child?" 


	6. Part VI: How to Tell a Witch

Part VI: How to tell a Witch

Shippo ran through the streets after the man who had taken away Miroku's "mostly dead" body. The kitsune had taken it upon himself to rescue Miroku before he did something stupid like get buried alive. The commotion in the town square caught his attention however and he stopped briefly, in curiosity, to watch. It seemed they were holding a trial of some sort. 

"A witch! A witch! We found a witch!" The mob was shouting. "Can we burn her?" They asked the judge. 

They brought forward a young woman with long black hair dressed in Miko's robes. Shippo saw that it was Kikyo and knew that wherever Kikyo was, trouble soon followed, especially for Inuyasha and his relationship with Kagome. Fortunately, Inuyasha and Kagome were still out looking for the Shikon no Tama and wouldn't be back for another few days. 

"What makes you think she's a witch?" the judge asked the assembled crowd. 

"She stole my soul!" shouted an angry woman. 

"Stole your soul?" The judge eyed the woman suspiciously. She lacked the empty stare that usually accompanied soullessness. 

"Well…I got better." She replied indignantly. 

"Burn her anyway." The mob screamed. 

"Calm down. There are ways of telling whether or not she is a witch." 

"Really? What are they? Tell us! Tell us!" Something an angry mob could be so stupid, or at least that's what Kikyo thought. She was right. Mobs are stupid and that stupidity makes them dangerous. 

"Well," the judge began, adopting an air of calm reason. "What do we do with witches?" 

"Burn them!" The mob shouted with frightening unanimity. 

"Right," the man sounded slightly put out by their enthusiasm. "Why do witches burn?" 

Kikyo, who was being held in the grip of a rather large and burly man, listened with shock, indignation and finally impatience as the self-appointed judge of her "trial" led the crowd through the most ridiculous logical argument she had ever heard. 

It would seem that witches burned and so did wood so witches were made of wood. Wood also floated in water like witches but instead of throwing her in the river to see if she floated, they were going to compare her weight with the weight of something else that floated and if the weights were equal they'd condemn her. 

The only problem the mob was having was thinking of something else that floated. 

"Who here can tell me what else floats in water?" The judge raised his voice, having already rejected the crowd's suggestions of other witches, ridiculously large buildings and very small stones. 

"A duck," called a cold voice from the back of the crowd. 

The mob didn't wait to be told twice. They had already grabbed Kikyo and gone in search of a set of scales and a small waterfowl. 

After the dust that had been kicked up by the departing mob settled, Shippo saw that the only people who remained in the area were himself, the judge and the man who had spoken. 

"Who are you, sir, so wise in the ways of science?" The judge asked the tall man politely. Shippo could see from his vantage point that the man was wearing a baboon pelt as a cloak. 

The man simply gave a cold smile and answered, "Naraku." 

For some reason, Shippo was not surprised. He left quickly, more determined than ever to find Miroku and relay this information to the others. 


End file.
